Joi Renique Resilient Kids Micro Audio Summit
===
[00:00:00] Welcome to Raising Resilient Children in the Age of Digital Dependency Micro Audio Summit, designed especially to help you, moms and dads, to have better relationships with your kids, more confidence in your parenting, and less stress in your life. Throughout these interviews, you'll hear speakers who will share life changing tools and strategies that you can quickly and easily follow and use with your family.
Starting today. I'm your host, Kathy Vamenthuysen, 20 year mom, 30 year educator and creator of ConvRelation. I am so excited to bring you these expert interviews. Let's get started. You are going to love this topic. Today, I'm chatting with my good friend, Joy Renique, about The Lost Art of Letter Writing and PALS as a Resilience Tool.
And before we dive into the conversation, let me tell you a bit about Joy [00:01:00] Renique. Joy Renique is a wife, mother, social worker, and entrepreneur. She's from Miami, Florida, and a graduate of the University of Miami. With a degree in psychology, a college assignment requiring that she interview an elderly person, she chose her grandmother's sister was the source of her inspiration to create a way for people to connect, teach, and learn from their loved ones.
She, a millennial, then started working with her grandfather's sister. A baby boomer and retired teacher to design thought provoking questions that can bridge the generational divide we often face when sharing and comparing stories from our past. With that in mind, how are you Joy Renique? Hi, I'm doing so well.
I'm so honored to be here. I think I love the mission of what you guys are doing. And so today's a good day. Excellent. [00:02:00] I'm so grateful that you're here and thank you for joining me. It's so special to have you. So today, as I said, we're delving into the topic of the lost art of letter writing pen pals as a resilience tool, which focuses on the skills that can be built through letter writing tips on how to get started and the benefits of continuing in this practice.
So my first question is, can you share your perspective on why traditional letter writing is often perceived as a lost art and what value or unique qualities do you believe it brings to interpersonal communication that may be fading in our digitally driven age?
Right. So when we talk about communication. Outside of vocal us talking with each other. The first thing this generation thinks of is text, email, social media. Nobody like letter writing is [00:03:00] not top of mind when it comes to communication. In fact, it's treated as if it's this old thing people do in movies or that they realize snail mail is more for like bills and, maybe gifts.
People still send gifts in the mail. If they can't make it in person, but. People don't necessarily understand and appreciate how writing a letter to someone is way more meaningful sometimes than even a phone call conversation. I agree. I know that whenever my kids get presents, I always make them write, especially from their grandparents.
They have to write a thank you. It can't just be a text or a, you know, even a phone call. Like, just take a moment and, write the thank you note. So in, what ways do the skills develop through pen pal relationships contribute to a child's resilience in facing future challenges? I was excited to talk about this today because a lot of times when I talk about pen pals, I'll talk about literacy, reading and writing, [00:04:00] but I don't get a chance to talk about resilience and self confidence and interpersonal relationships.
And I think that is something that's big that people miss when it comes to children, because I think adult. Because we're still used to the idea of letter writing, we know what it means to write a letter to someone that we love. We know what love letters are, things of that nature. But I think that it's important to understand that when you're writing down and you're writing about yourself or you're writing to tell someone else, you know, about your travels, your adventures, your innermost thoughts, that When you're receiving that information, now you have a better understanding, appreciation of culture, people with different experiences.
You get a chance to understand what, what it means to learn, to see the world through someone else's eyes. It's almost like reading a book, but it's more personal because they're talking to you directly. And then the most important thing is that instead of that instant gratification, We, need to teach and [00:05:00] instill in our children delayed gratification so that they're able to push through obstacles that even if they see the end at the light at the end of the tunnel, it might take some time to get to the end of that obstacle.
And letter writing kind of builds that in because you have to wait until that person receives your letter, writes back and then sends you a letter. So all of that anticipation helps you in the long run to build resilience and to, be patient. Thanks. I, love that because we really do see in this day and age that whole instant gratification with kids.
And this is something it's so simple. It's not difficult. And yet I totally see how this can build that resilience in kids. That's fantastic. So how can these skills prepare Children for the demands of a digital future. So the two things that I want to highlight is communication skills. One [00:06:00] thing that I teach when I'm teaching about pen pals is sometimes the way you talk with your friends and your family won't translate well in writing.
Sometimes you use slang. Sometimes you use things that are just nicknames and things of that nature. So communication When you send a letter to someone, you have to intentionally make sure that they're going to understand what you're saying that you, and you're actually explaining on a deeper level, you know what it means to you.
And so you learn about cultures. So in a digital world, when you're communicating, they're expecting you to have some global awareness. You develop that in pen power writing. Even if it's just your neighbor, you don't know what history or what ethnicity, what cultural background your neighbor has. And even if they lived in the same place as you, everybody has such rich experiences that communication skill is going to be so powerful, not only in speaking, but in writing even digitally.
And then the second thing, Is like I said, that global awareness, being able to understand that I'm different and the way my family [00:07:00] operates differently, I think on social media, what's missing is you see things and you assume things because you see so much, so you don't necessarily ask the questions or you, you don't necessarily dig deep into those conversations because you think you already know, because people are oversharing all the time, the things that they want you to know.
But when you're writing a letter, You're, you're going to share a little bit more. And the crazy part about it is our brains is such a complex thing. When you, I teach journaling and you will realize that things that you, that's not on the top of your mind come out when you're writing it down. When you're putting a pen to paper, you get more ideas out, more things that you didn't even realize was you were passionate about, that you wanted to share that comes out in long form writing that you don't necessarily get in this quick tweet.
Um, 140 character world that we're living in., That's so true that there's something special about putting pen to paper. That[00:08:00] you actually have to take the time and think through your thoughts where you do something, you know, digitally , you can get it out pretty quickly and not have to spend that time thinking.
About it. So what are some specific or are there specific social and emotional skills that children can develop through traditional letter writing that might be missed in digital interactions? So I already talked about patience and delayed gratification. That's really important. Really, really important.
And it's quick because I think our attention span forces us to Go to the next subject really quickly when we're talking in person and when we're typing on the computer. But when we're writing a letter, it's super focused. You don't have time to be doing 10 things at one time or the letter will never get written, right?
Nobody can interrupt you. So you have the ability to really get your whole thought out and really look at it, reread it, make sure it's [00:09:00] exactly what you want to say, that you're not missing any details. And then you have this tangible thing that you could keep. The internet could crash, and yes, disasters can happen to tangible things, but people have had letters for years and years and years.
If you store it. Safely, your handwriting is personal, your, your ability. I, so another thing that I like is birthday cards. I have birthday cards from when I was in elementary school. I collect them and I go back and I read them. And then I talk a lot about grief because we realized that we're not here to stay.
Right. And so. I sometimes I go back to birthday cards that my grandfather wrote and he actually pinned a message in there about how proud he is of me or just something that was going on in real time that he's celebrating me for and he's not here to say that anymore, but when I see it in his handwriting and I read it and I'm back in that moment, that is something that We, we have a taste of it in social media, but it is not as personal and [00:10:00] it's not as intimate as writing it down and having that to be able to keep with you and take with you wherever you go.
Now, how special is that, that you can go back and reread stuff that your grandfather wrote to you? And it really, that personal part, like I'm just thinking of, you know, my own life. Like, wow, seeing their actual handwriting. Even if they're not here with you, you can almost envision and, hear them speaking those words to you.
That's so powerful. Can you, provide, examples of how cross-cultural pen pal relationships have positively influenced a child self-confidence? So I want to use myself as an example, when I went to college, I went to the University of Miami and I was born and raised in Miami. So I didn't anticipate any culture shock because I'm right here in my hometown.
I didn't travel away for school. Well, University of Miami is a [00:11:00] private school with an affluent population and people came from all over the world. In fact, my roommate from my freshman year was not from America. She was, from a different country. And so That was my first experience. I mean, Miami is a culturally, you know, it's a melting pot of different races and religions and backgrounds, but when you go to college and you meet intellects, people who, who have inspiration, they're there cause they want to, they have dreams and ambitions that they want to accomplish and you get to know them better.
It's not all of them. I, I might've sent them a friend request and I see how they're doing, but the ones that I actually met with, that I was able to write back and forth and have those intimate conversations is the people that I remember. And so one thing that letter writing does, it helps to build lasting relationships, more meaningful relationships outside of.
Okay, I just got them on my friend request and I could keep up with them now, but I don't know them. I don't really understand how they're [00:12:00] processed. And now you get a, you get a chance to have an intimate way to be able to get inside someone's mind and see, because I think you learn about their fears, about the things that they've overcome.
About their journey. Traveling is such an amazing thing to talk about. You know, the things that I noticed is different than what you're going to notice, even if we go on the exact same trip, you know, I might be a nature person, so I might pay attention to the colors and the vibrancy, but you might be an action person.
So you're more interested in how the weather was and how the wind was blowing and how fast you were able to. To do this or do that. So being able to understand different people's culture is a powerful tool when it comes to self confidence and, resilience. But then one more thing is that you actually have a more secure identity for yourself.
When you learn more about other people, then you realize, okay. You know, some stuff I can't choose. I can't choose my parents or my family. I can't choose the color of my skin. [00:13:00] Some things that's just who I am, but when you go out into the world and explore and you get to know different people's mindsets, then you get ability to see who am I, what do I want to be remembered by?
What do I want people to notice about me? And. The best way to do that, especially intentionally is writing things down because then people can't twist your words up. If it's, if it's written down, people might not remember exactly what you said, but if you write it down, they can go back and look at it and say, that's what she said.
And that's what she stood for. And that was, that is what was important to her. Yeah. , I love that you said it's, intentional. It's what I write down is intentional and not that you couldn't do that digitally, but you said this back in the beginning of our conversation, we can put only the best stuff on social media because we want everyone to see that because it's so broad, but when you're writing to one person, that [00:14:00] is Wow, I'm going to be intentional what I'm going to write and it can be definitely more intimate of what you share and they really get to see your heart.
How can parents gauge the impact of a pen pal program on their child's confidence and self esteem? first, what inspired me the most is my kids always want to check the mail. Even if they know there's nothing coming in there for them, they're like, mommy, can I check the mail?
They want to take turns. They want to read what it says on the envelope so they can divide it between mommy and daddy. Like that's something very exciting to them. But then imagine they get something that has their name. It could be from the school and it's like, yes, it has your name, but it's not for you.
They're letting me know what's going on for you. But when it gets to letter writing, the first thing is the excitement. And then you, start to see. That they would get a little bit of independence, because now this is personal for them. Nobody's trying to talk through you to them. They're getting [00:15:00] that direct connection with the person on the other end of that letter.
And so you, it takes a little bit of discipline to come to maintain a pen pal relationship. Because if you never put your letter in the mail, then that person is waiting forever. Trying to get to hear back from whatever questions they asked when my kids were doing it with kids their age They would send riddles and they would find like little creative ways to stay connected My my daughter's a gift giver like she's gonna drop something in the envelope She if it's a drawing if it's something, you know little gift card, that's something really important to her So she's able to not only express herself In, her words, but she can express herself because she's a gift giver.
That's something that's important to her. So you start to notice little things of their personality and then they become more curious. They're going to ask you questions about, well, my pin about, one of the people that I matched my kids with, I'm from Miami, but we're all from, we live in Georgia now.
One of my friends, she's from Miami, but she lives [00:16:00] in Orlando. And so now they were riding back and forth. So the next time we visited Orlando, there was like my pen pals from here. They told me about Orlando. I can't wait. Can we call them? You know, that gives them now when they go visit a place, especially a place that their pen pal is from, or because they don't have to be necessarily living there right now.
My grandmother. She lived in Georgia for her husband with this college in New York. So now when we go to New York, they're like, damn, grandpa, go to college here. Like they're making those connections. They're able to really relate now, as opposed to it just being a new place. They have memories associated with it through somebody else, somebody else who grew up there can tell them, Oh, when you go to New York, you got to make sure you see this, or you do this.
Now they have an experience as opposed to, you know, these YouTube videos and these things that they see. I feel like their memories grab hold onto it more when they read it and when it's something directed specifically [00:17:00] for them. Yeah. I mean, it really, obviously a pen pal doesn't have to be on the other side of the world.
And like you said, living in Georgia and you know, their, grandfather had gone, you know, to New York college in New York, but it's just, it opens up a world to them that they might not otherwise even be like, think about looking into more. By having someone from another area, even where we're from Georgia, but we're on the South side.
So when we go into the city, they're like, Mommy, are we in Georgia State now? And it's like, we always were in Georgia State. But I have to explain to them. No, now we're in Atlanta, the city, we live in Jonesboro, a different city and being able to break that down to them. I think that when you make it tangible, it the you.
Learning is just enriched when you have tangible elements, pulling out a map, pulling out, um, information and being able to envision something, describe [00:18:00] something, because what I tell parents all the time, you know, you want the kids to have some autonomy, you don't want to correct every, make sure every dot is, is, um, Every I has a dot and every T is crossed as long as I can understand what you're saying is good enough.
But at the same time, you, don't want them to just say something like a, like I had a good day today. The weather was this. I really want them to get more into, you know, what stood out to me this week is when my teacher asked this question and I was the one who knew the answer to it.
And now she chose me to be a leader, like being able to really, really go into the details of it. Makes them think more critically makes them understand what their strengths are and what their thing, the things that they need to work on is that's something that they can process while they're writing, but then they're sharing it with someone else who can relate to them in some way.
Cause you never realize how much you can relate to somebody who doesn't look like you. I like to do it with different generations. So writing a letter to a [00:19:00] grandparent or to honor uncle, as opposed to your peers. That conversation is going to be different and you're able to, rise to that level, but then the older generation has an appreciation for the innocence of children and the things that they care about.
I love that idea of not just a peer, but writing to someone who's older, because even the way you write the letter, your, tone is different. with someone who's much older than you as opposed to a peer. And they might say a word that you don't know. So now they're, they're pulling out a dictionary to figure out what that word is.
That's what books do. You know, I, I'm reading books now and I'm like, Oh, I never heard that word. Let me go look it up. And now I've added that to my vocabulary. But giving that to a child is, such a rich experience that some people don't really, and it's cheap. It's not expensive as as so many other, you know, piano [00:20:00] lessons could be expensive.
It's so many expensive ways to enrich Children and give them diversity. But this is a way that's very cost effective. And everybody has experiences that could share no matter what their socioeconomic status is, no matter what their background is. And then Being able to build that literacy, that ability to read and write.
And also because you, if you write a letter and you're only talking about yourself, you're not going to be able to build a relationship with someone else. You have to be able to ask questions about them and get to know them too. And because it forces you to be able to do both. That is a skill that some adults don't have because they haven't been challenged or put in those situations where they have to do that.
So the earlier you do that, when they get into real life situations or even digital situations, they're 10 steps ahead of everybody else because they've had the ability to exercise these muscles at such an early age. Yeah, love that. So for parents who are looking to incorporate [00:21:00] pen pal programs into their child's life, what advice or tips would you offer to ensure a positive experience?
So if you don't remember anything else, the most important thing is to let the child lead the way. Sometimes we might have our own agenda, and we have step A, B, C, D. You want them, you want to base it off of their interests. If they're interested in something, then you zone in on that. And so, when I developed the Pen Palpalooza program, I used, I use technology.
I have a YouTube playlist that I'm going to be gifting as my freebie. But I found storybooks, little cartoon episodes that mentioned pen pal. And I use that as teaching tools to teach them the things that they need to know. My favorite one I'll always talk about is SpongeBob SquarePants. And everybody knows SpongeBob SquarePants is this quirky little sponge that lives under the sea.
But when he writes a pen pal. He told a white lie in his story. [00:22:00] And so his imagination just grew and grew and grew because the pen pal misinterpreted what he said. And, and now he's like, Oh my God, how, how am I going to correct this? My pen pal is going to think this big thing. And the kids just laugh and laugh and laugh, but it teaches a, a deeper lesson, on making sure that you're, you can maintain integrity.
Making sure that you're honest and you're open and that you're that you're human and nobody expects you to be perfect, but you have to be relatable. And that's what letter writing does. So allow your child to shine that gives them the opportunity to see, you know, whatever it is they're interested in.
They're able to share with someone else. Just this morning on my way, taking my daughter to school, she asked my grandmother, does she know how to play hide and seek? And my grandma was like, no, hide and seek. , what is it called? When you, I spy, she said, do you know how to play? I spy. And my grandmother was like, no, of course she knows how to play.
I spy, but she wanted my daughter to expand. So she's fine. She was like, well, all you [00:23:00] have to do is just look out. look at everything and you just pick a color. And then I have to guess based off of the color that you pick what you're looking at. So now you know how to play.
That's what writing does, because you don't always have the opportunity to do that. But being able to explain something is such a simple way. Like, I don't know that I would explain it that way. If somebody asked me what I spy is, I might think about the magazines that came in the mail when I was a kid.
Everybody has different perspectives. Allow your child to share their perspective and allow them to have a voice. Don't make it a homework assignment. Make it something where they're able to to enjoy and look forward to, but then make sure they understand the seriousness of you have a responsibility now because you want to make sure you send your letter off in a timely fashion because you're waiting for one to be returned.
And there's a timeline for that. And so I think that what most people need to do is make it relatable, ask questions so that they don't just short, short change themselves and not [00:24:00] really explain what it is they're trying to share. And then make it. Like the experience of checking the mail, going to the post office, letting them weigh your letter.
So you can see that you have to pay a little bit extra to send it because it weighs a little bit more. They're able now to feel like grownups because that's all they want to do is copy us. And have some autonomy, but you'll be surprised that Even though I'm talking about elementary age children, when I started the pen pal program, my step mom was like, are you need to do this for adults?
Cause I want a pen pal. It's really not necessarily for any specific age. Everybody can get involved. So if you have cousins that live further away, but you want to build that relationship, there's so many, so much opportunity there. Make sure that you, of course, teach them how to write a letter, the, the format, how to address the envelope, but make it more interactive because now that's a bonding experience that you're having with your child, and they're going to look forward to that, and that's a core [00:25:00] memory that they're going to hold on to, not only what they exchange in their letter writing, But also you helping to guide them to something that they might continue on into their adulthood.
And then they're, they're teaching their kids something that you're able to teach them, something that's age old. And that's not going to go away. No matter how advanced technology gear, we're talking about AI and we're talking about all these things going on. This is the personal human connection that Our kids need and it aids them in their development.
It really allows them to grow not only learning about themselves, but learning about the world and the people around them. I love when you said the accountability that, the excitement that The child gets from, oh my gosh, I'm going to go to the mail and I'm going to get something, but it's not just about you.
Like you got something. So now what are you going to do in return? And it's that accountability. Like, Hey, I was so excited. I want someone else to feel that same [00:26:00] excitement. And I know it wasn't right. Like. Hey, how was your day? You can get deeper into that. it's something for kids, I can see how it can build resilience because it's all like, I got to wait for all this, but it also makes them see a bigger picture that the world isn't just about them.
Absolutely. I feel like it's where dreams begin. It really taps into their imagination and their curiosity. And I think that is such an important thing for humans to have not just children, but humans need to feed into their curiosity. They really need to get those rich experiences where they're able to really get to know people is so many experiences out there.
Me. Like I said, my aunt who inspired me to start my business, she's my grandfather's sister and she tells me so many things about my grandfather and I had a whole different experience from him. It took me to become an adult to say this man had a whole life before I was born and he had, you know, she, that's, that was her big brother.
So she's telling me from that perspective, [00:27:00] but he was like my father figure. So being able he really cared about his handwriting like he has a very distinct handwriting and oh my God what I would love to have to be able to go through pages of his handwriting things that he wrote because that keeps him alive that may keep some close to me in my heart and I think that we don't know or appreciate it in the moment but when time goes by is something that we learn to to really appreciate and I think our kids would really appreciate.
I can't even words can't like I'm, it's, it's really, it's really giving me chills because I really love gifts like that for children. I'm the type of gift giver I am is meaningful, heartfelt things. Like I don't want to just go to the store and pick something up. That's your favorite color. I want.
Something that you're going to use over and over something that you can look back and that's what we're giving to our kids with letter writing and I hope that you got that from listening to this interview because that's something very powerful that [00:28:00] everybody should and can take advantage of.
I hope people were taking note. This was amazing. I want to go out and get a pen pal, but you know what you've inspired me to do? I, write. Cards to people, and it's something that I think I want to do a little bit more just as doesn't have to be a reason for it.
Just, uh, I was thinking about you type of thing, and you could write a letter to yourself. That was something my aunt shared that I didn't even think of. She said she would write letters to herself and she gave it to a friend and said, when you think I need it, mail it to me. And so she would randomly get letters from herself in the mail during certain times of her life.
That was like, she might've called it like at, you know, when you're excited. And so now she gets a letter in the mail that said, congratulations, you go girl. And it's like, it, when you, when you get it, when you least expect it. So you can, it's so many creative ways that you can use letter writing and it doesn't have to be [00:29:00] something that is complicated or that depends on other people.
There's ways that you can really incorporate that so that you could get the most out of it. And that's what I hope you guys are receiving from this message. I love that. I might start writing letters to myself, give it to someone else to mail to me. So I was looking at your free resource.
Looks amazing. Can you just tell me a little bit more about that? Yes. So, like I said, with Pen Palpalooza, it's a course, and it allows you to go from the very beginning, like how to write a letter, what are the most important components, but then it kind of develops you through letter two, letter three, letter four, so that you're able to Now understanding how to carry the conversation, how to keep it going.
But I think that visual, I don't, I'm not scared of technology. I understand the power of it. I know that it can be useful. It's a tool. So I share the, the YouTube playlist because let me tell you, it took me a long time to find all of [00:30:00] these different books and stories to be able, and I wanted to give that gift of convenience.
So you guys to be able to just go one place something safe that you could Put your kids have their headphones on and they can watch it and laugh and you're not worried about it Trailing off to something different. That's not necessarily conducive or Appropriate but it's about 10. I think it's like 15 different videos that kind of teach different aspects of letter writing through storybooks Um things that could go wrong I have one with peppa pig and how One that's a princess and she got too many pen pals and she didn't know what to do because she was trying to write to all of them, but she's only one person.
So she got a chance to spread the love and have other people help her to maintain those relationships. So it, it kind of teaches you about problem solving, right? Conflict resolution, feeling overwhelmed or feeling obligated to do something, but understanding that. Sometimes when you make that sacrifice and you be disciplined, [00:31:00] that the reward is at the end.
And you might not realize it right now, but later on, you never know how that letter might've just showed up at the right time at the right moment for somebody to lift their spirits and to. make them curious and explore and how, what kind of doors that open up for them. And that is what I hope to give just with this little playlist, being able to kind of get that imagination going.
So you can see all of the possibilities when it comes to letter writing. Absolutely. People should download it. I did. And I was like, Ooh, she even showed us how to address an envelope, which it's something simple, but people don't know how to even address the outside of an envelope. So thank you so much for sharing.
And thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. Joy, Renique, this was outstanding. I'm so happy to be here and I, can't wait to hear all of the rest of the interviews about different ways that people can use tools and stray away from technology, to learn how to build [00:32:00] resilience and self confidence in our kids.
I definitely will teach some of these strategies to my own children. Thank you so much for your time. Okay listeners, please make sure you visit the speaker interview page and download all the incredible free resources. Be sure to listen to the other micro audio topics in this series so that you can have better relationships with your kids, more confidence in your parenting, and less stress in your life.
Thanks for listening.
