Scotti Weintraub Resilient Kids Micro Audio Summit
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[00:00:00] Welcome to Raising Resilient Children in the Age of Digital Dependency Micro Audio Summit. Designed especially to help you moms and dads to have better relationships with your kids. More confidence in your parenting and less stress in your life. Throughout these interviews, you'll hear speakers who will share life changing tools and strategies that you can quickly and easily follow and use with your family, starting today.
I'm your host, Kathy Van Mynthuysen, 20 year mom, 30 year educator, and creator of Conrelation. I am so excited to bring you these expert interviews. Let's get started. You are going to love this topic today. I'm chatting with my good friend, Scotty Weintraub about reframing how you see your child. And before we dive into the conversation, let me tell you a little bit about Scotty.
Scotty Weintraub is a parent coach and educator and forged in [00:01:00] fire parent advocate. She's the founder of ReFrame Parenting, where she uses her own hard won school successes to help other parents find their own school wins when it feels like nothing is working. With that in mind, how are you, Scottie? Oh, good morning, I am so happy to be here with you and have this conversation.
Thank you so much for joining me. It is so special to have you. So today we're delving into the topic, reframing how you see your child, which focuses on how looking at what's happening in a different way can open up opportunities. Rather than shut down conversations, our kids are unique and knowing how their brains tick can help us find strategies that work for them.
So I was really looking forward to talking with you. And so 1 of the things I was thinking about was, why is it important for us to see our kids in different ways, especially when [00:02:00] it comes to technology? Oh, this is such a good question. I think, you know, I've named my business reframe parenting because I feel so strongly about this idea of reframing that if we think about things in a slightly different way than we have been, it helps us move forward instead of getting stuck in our old patterns or old beliefs about what's happening.
So, especially around technology, which I know As a parent, kids myself can become a real sticking point in families where there's conflict. They don't see eye to eye. And if we use this idea that a reframe, and I think about that as like a different way of looking at something like a different lens, if we can look at it in a slightly different way, we've we're breaking out of those old patterns.
So if, for instance, with regard to technology, if, you know, I have two teen boys. They love to play video games, right? They love to play video games and they never want to stop [00:03:00] playing video games. And so if the way that we see it is that they are, their technology use in this case, video games is a negative thing, then we approach their use of it in a negative way.
And if we stop and think, okay, what are they getting out of playing these video games? Right? It's not just Fun, although it is fun too, but they're, they're having social interactions with their friends and that is a value to them. So if we can sort of get into what is behind what's happening, then we can not only gain more empathy, like, oh, I get it.
This is especially true around video games for me during COVID when it felt like all my kids were doing was on the computer. We're on the computer like nonstop. But in that moment, that was the only. Social outlet they had. So if I stopped and think about it that way, oh, then I have more empathy. Like that makes sense[00:04:00] that this is the way that they want.
This is the only avenue available to them. Now, of course, now they have more options of seeing their friends and we try to encourage them to do other things. But just that ability to see what's happening in a slightly different way brings out a different conversation. Yeah, it sounds like you're saying that if we can almost see it from the kid's point of view, you're not going to have the same battles.
Yes, exactly. Thanks for that succinct summary. Everything doesn't have to be a fight. And sometimes as parents, it feels like everything is a fight, right? And if we kind of just let that go, you know, like with that burden from ourselves, like, okay, I don't have to fight with them. And if I can figure out, why are they wanting to play video games, then we can have a constructive conversation.
About, okay, I see that what you, you're valuing spending time with your friends in this way. Okay, I get that. Let's find a way that [00:05:00] works better for our family to approach that need that you have and, that's very different than saying like, oh, you play too many video games. Just get off it already.
Because that just sets you up for a fight. Yes, and when the kids see that you're not coming at it, like adversarially, they can. Oh, you know what mom is saying? She understands. So now I can have that conversation with her, right? And then they can see. Oh. I can hear her concern too. That doesn't mean you agree.
I mean, they think that your perspective is the right one. It just means that you're approaching it as two humans having a very human conversation. And you can like look at both sides and then try to come to some reasonable agreeable decision. Yeah. So, how can we, as parents open up conversations with our kids?
Well, I think one of the first ways is is to my favorite [00:06:00] question of all is I wonder, which is only part of a question. I guess it's not the full question. It's the beginning of a question. So I wonder what's happening. I wonder what is behind their desire to be on social media. I wonder why they're feeling so strongly about needing to use.
So what is it that's behind that desire? Is it that they feel like they have to keep up socially because that's a strong one, you know, especially for teenagers or is it that they just want to figure out what all the buzz is about? Is it that they feel like they need to make friends? You know, so there are so many other things that could be behind what we see is just this very surface thing of, oh, social media, like, that's bad.
You know, we can have a discussion about, you know, social media, but what's really behind their desire to be involved in it. And if we do that digging, so that's where the I wonder comes in, I wonder what's [00:07:00] really going on for them. I wonder what their friends are saying to each other. I wonder what kind of conversations they're having on social media.
So those are the starting points, right? Like the digging deeper gets to the real heart of. Whatever their, their fear, their anxiety, their desire to build relationships, whatever it is like that. It's that digging. That's the really important starting point. Yeah, and for the kids again, like, I just said before, it's that wow, mom understands me.
That understands me. And even if we don't agree, it's having like that conversation. So what are the benefits of having these kinds of conversations, both for our kids and for us? Well, I guess I'll start as a parent on that side. I think the benefits for me when I when I do these kinds of thought exercises are that it builds empathy.
Being a kid is [00:08:00] hard. Being a kid is really hard. Being a parent also hard. So if we can, you know, like lead with heart and empathy, it goes a long way. And this is true of all human relationships. That if we, approach it with the thought that, okay, they're a human with their own challenges and quirks and ways of doing things.
And I'm a human with all of those same quirks and differences, then we can see each other for who we really are instead of who we think they are, you know, or what we think their motivations are, it just peels back that all those assumptions. So we're able to say, like, hey, really, I want to know, I want to hear what is behind this for you.
What, what is motivating you? And from there, you have that empathy, you have that ability to say, okay, knowing what's really driving you, I can come up with a strategy that helps fit those needs. Like, how can we get your needs met? And [00:09:00] also, you know, hold my boundaries as a parent.
So how can we accomplish all the things? It's the coming together and the, you know, compromise that I think is the like magic in it because it's all that relationship building. You're like doing really big relationship building when you, with your kids, instead of being dictatorial and saying, you're going to do this because I said so.
Instead saying, okay, I get that. We have different perspectives here in mine as a parent. I feel like we need, you know, you need to have a consistent bedtime because it helps you to be better prepared for school or whatever those things are, but to lay those out is also good modeling for them as they grow up and become, you know, in relationship with other people too.
Yeah. And it, shows that, you're hearing their heart and that will. Lead to, you know, deeper conversations. So you just said something and I was like, oh, all right. So, but why can't parents just set rules and [00:10:00] kids follow them? Oh, this is the 1, 000, 000 dollar.
Well, I mean, they can. But that, if we bring our kids along in those conversations, then they get to understand why we've set those rules. And I'm not at all saying that parents shouldn't have boundaries and rules in their house, because they absolutely should. But then the kids get to a little bit of insight into, okay, I might not like this rule, but all right, okay.
And then they have empathy towards you as a parent. So it isn't a relationship that's always at odds. So you're saying that, when they understand the why, they have buy in because they understand your perspective. Yes. And isn't that what we want for our kids ultimately, right.
To be able to make informed decisions that help them meet their own needs while also helping others. Yeah. An ultimate goal of all power, right? So we're modeling that [00:11:00] along the way. That isn't to say that, you know, sometimes kids just aren't able to hear it. And that's, you know, that happens, but we're, we're modeling like this is how we want to be in relationship with others.
Is that we we gain understanding. We explain ourselves. And then, you know, we try to come to some sort of common ground. Yes, I love that. So why might technology be particularly tricky for kids with neurodiverse brains? You might need to explain neurodiverse. Sure. I mean, what is like, wait, what's that word?
Right? Right. It's a big word. And I, you're right that it is. Sometimes people understand it and sometimes people have never heard it before. So neurodiversity is the idea that there are some people's brains who just work differently. And that's not a value judgment of good or bad. It's just a matter of that their brain is.
thinks and processes information in slightly different ways. So for instance, under that neurodiverse [00:12:00] umbrella would be things like ADHD anxiety autism spectrum disorder. So there, there are a number of things that can fall under that, but it just means that their brains work in slightly different ways.
So as parents. If we have that information, going back to that, you know, sort of digging piece, then it can inform everything that we do. I talk to parents a lot who they just see their kids struggling and they don't understand what's happening. And I tell them that knowing how your child's brain works is a gift.
Not just for a parent, because then you'd be like, oh, that's why they do that. But also for the child. For instance, I'll just give you a quick example that I was talking to a mom whose daughter was having a very hard time in school reading in particular was really difficult for her. So they went through this process of figuring out what's going on and they realized that the daughter had dyslexia.
There's another example of neurodiversity. And when they talked to their daughter [00:13:00] about it, instead of feeling like, Oh, this is a burden for you to have this brain difference. The daughter said, Oh, thank goodness. I told you something was going on. So she felt that she knew her brain was working differently.
And that was just everybody else who needed to catch up.
The benefits there are just knowing, and specifically around our conversation on technology. If you know that your child has a brain that works in a very particular way, we need to have slightly different strategies on how we address things, because they don't operate in. The same way that a neurotypical, which is sort of neurodiverse versus neurotypical brain might process information.
So for a kid with a DHD for instance, they can sometimes their brains can either do deep dives into things or kind of scatter about. So if we know that with regards to I don't know, social media use as an example, [00:14:00] then how do we set them up with. Boundaries around usage because we know they're prone to going deep and not being able to get out of that deep dive.
So then we know, okay, maybe we need, this is, you know, an example, maybe what we need is a limited time frame and, communicating that in advance and reminding them, remember, we only have so much time today that you're able to use. You know, social media. Should we set a timer? Because expecting that also a child with ADHD to know they often have what's called time blindness, knowing that just telling them you have an hour and then expecting them to get off of it probably is going to lead to frustration because they're not an hour to them can feel like nothing.
And so setting up systems and frameworks as parents to best support them in meeting. Whatever the expectation is, whether that's timers or, you know, family rules around usage, or, we [00:15:00] could think about other strategies around that, but setting those up allows them to be successful in meeting your expectations.
I was thinking, what if a mom or dad is listening here and they're like, well, I have 1 neurotypical and 1 neurodiverse, but I just want the rules to be the same. So, are you saying it's almost like you can have the same boundaries, but maybe the way you set them up. Is that what you're saying?
It might be slightly different. Absolutely. Exactly. And then that's a chance to explain, like, okay, I get that you, you know, your brother has. Let's talk about his, the way his brain works. He needs more reminders. He needs to help him be successful. He needs me to set a timer for him. Okay. Then that's a chance for them to build empathy between each other.
Like, Oh, okay. My brother needs these things. I don't need these things, but all right. We still have the same boundary. That's. So fantastic, because now you're teaching, the siblings [00:16:00] empathy for one another because they're not necessarily they don't think the same way.
And, you have 2 children and you probably don't parent them exactly the same. No, because they're different kids. And they have different needs and acknowledging that to our kids. Is important, right? Because it helps them sort of own their own needs to, Oh, she's right. Mom's right. Like, I do need those reminders.
I do need that. And, yeah, my brother doesn't need those. Wow. This was amazing. When you talked about, the empathy and just seeing it from another perspective and also coming along and. Explaining it to your child, not just saying, stop using it. Right. , that's fantastic.
I know that listeners are going to be like, whoo. Now I know what well, it's, you know, nobody's perfect and it's all a work in progress. So, you know, the next time that. Use a parent come upon a situation if you can just think, like, oh, stop for a 2nd and think, okay, how [00:17:00] can I approach this in a slightly different way?
Figure out what's really going on and then approach them with that in mind. And see how it goes. Yeah, I love that. So I was, looking at your free resource. I actually downloaded it. Oh, Can you tell me a little bit more about it? Okay. So if folks are interested in learning more about what I'm up to at reframe parenting I have a free resource.
It's called the school struggle checklist. And it's a few. Questions to ask yourself if you're wondering, like, something's not going well at school, and I'm not really sure what's going on. It's some questions to ask yourself, and one thing that you can be doing right now to start making a difference for your child.
Oh, that's excellent. I hear definitely enough people downloading that. Thank you so much for sharing today. And thank you for speaking with me. This was fantastic. Oh, thank you. It was a pleasure. Okay. Listeners. Please make sure you visit the speaker interview page and download. All the incredible free resources, [00:18:00] be sure to listen to the other micro audio topics in this series so that you can have better relationships with your kids, more confidence in your parenting and less stress in your life.
Thanks for listening.
